I didn't get a chance to write again on Monday after the doctor appointment. It seems like Diaryland is only "down" when I feel like updating, which isn't even that often anyway. Yes Ruth, that must be it, because, as you know, the World is Against You, right? *rolling eyes*

Anyway, so my mom drove me the hour+ to the doctor's office. I'm in a bad mood, she's in a bad mood, and then we get up to the receptionist desk and they say I have no appointment! They say it's "next Monday"! THE HELL IT IS!! We specifically changed it. My mom swears she made it for that Monday and they just screwed up. Either way, she was indirectly blaming me, you know in that passive-aggressive way, the whole way home. As if I wasn't just as pissed to drive all the way out there? Hello, do you really think I am ENJOYING going to get weighed and all that shit? I only torture myself all week in anticipation of the weigh-in... cry at night over my fatness and suppress the urges to carve FAT on my other thigh. Then they will match.

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So I didn't see Dr. Lowen. Because she was all booked up that morning. I did, however, go to group therapy. Yay for me. I can't take all the credit though, my mom did drive me. If she hadn't I am sure I wouldn't have gone. I'm not so happy with the situation there. This week it was just me, Danielle [turns out her name is Danielle and not Daniella - I am not the only one confusd I think cause other people keep calling her Daniella as well] and Mallory. It would have been fine if Mallory wasn't there. She annoys me almost as much as Caitlin. I wish both of them would just leave. There's the bitch in me coming out :P But really, I can't take it. And if Mallory can't handle "numbers" and basically everything is just "so triggering" to her then I don't think this is the right place for her. I have to suppress the urge to burst into a fit of laughter [a rare occasion] when she goes and covers her ears all of the sudden, like something is just "too triggering" for her to handle. Meanwhile, she is like the most recovered person in the group. I mean her "problems" that she discusses, in regards to her ED, are so incredibly miniscule. Like "My dad made muffins and he made 4 muffins out of the recipe calling for 8, so they were these big muffins. And I started to eat the muffin right, but then I realized how he had messed up. I was like great, that is all my grains for the day!" [she's on some meal plan where it's like "grains, fats, proteins" etc. - I hate those types of meal plans!]. Yet she still ate the muffin [all of it], yes. And she did not throw up the muffin. And she did not restrict for the rest of the day. Oh, another "bad thing" that happened was when she was in the car and she said her dad had a calorie counting book in his driver's side pocket of his car. I fail to see the drama in the situation, but apparently, this was a Very Bad Thing. And she talked about this incident for quite awhile. I tried not to yawn. God, I must really sound like the biggest bitch. It's just... I find it hard to relate to people because I am not in that stage of recovery. Hell I'm not even really in "recovery" and I feel like I can't talk at all because Mallory will cover her ears, or Caitlin will roll her eyes or make a rude remark [thank goodness she wasn't there Monday I couldn't have dealt with her this week!]. If we can't discuss ED behaviors then this group is going to go no where. Deirdre never stops discussions, of any subject, it's people like Mallory covering her ears that do it. Oh, one interesting thing we did talk about was "purge parties" [as Deidre put it]. Danielle has a friend back in Ohio who also is bulimic/anorexic tendencies and they have b/p'ed together. I did not, of course, share my experience on this topic. I knew Mallory would cover her ears or tell me that "A friend would not do that with another friend. She is not really your friend" or something along those lines. And I just didn't feel like getting into an arguement. But I enjoyed hearing Danielle talk :) She is just so much more REAL than the other girls. I feel like, with the exception of Cara and Danielle, all of these girls sort of had a "brush" with eating disorders. It never fully took over their lives and encompassed their very being. So they don't understand how it's just NOT THAT EASY to "let go" and "just stop"! I try to convey how hard it is for me to stop purging, how the fact that I purged only 2 times today was an improvement, or that even though I fasted it was good because it means I didn't b/p and deplete my electrolytes more, but they don't get it. It's just "how is purging twice IMPROVEMENT?" me: "BECAUSE I HAD AVERAGED 6-7 TIMES THE DAYS BEFORE." and they look at me blankly, like they still don't understand. Danielle said she understood but that was it. Cara I know has probably struggled with the "identity crisis" that you get with the ED but she is so into her Remuda experience that she won't talk about the past, just what she did at Remuda and how she is going to college this fall. And she doesn't come often. So that leaves me with girls who don't understand and one girl who does but we can't talk that much cause Mallory acts like it is too triggering. I don't see how this group is triggering her, however, when she continues to maintain in her ideal range [I don't know her height/weight but if she were my height of 5'3" I would guess she is like 115], eats her meal plan every day, never purges, doesn't count calories or any of that. She doesn't even think she's fat or needs to lose at all. Wow. If that is not recovery then what is? *shrug* Oh, did I mention Natalie quit? I think I forgot to. She only came to one session then quit because it was "too weird" or something. She still sees Deidre for individual though. I don't really care cause she was rude most of the time.

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Tuesday was supposed to be my second appointment with Avis. I still have trouble writing her name without laughing because I can't help but think of the car rental company! Anywho, I skipped it. Called her that day sounding pathetic and left a disorganized message on her voicemail. Of course I didn't talk to her in person because none of these therapists ever talk to me in person. I'm not looking forward to the next appointment. No particular reason. I'm just wondering what is the point of it all you know?

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