I didn't go to school today [I only have to go once a week so that is pretty pathetic]. I also didn't go last week. I am not going to graduate if I keep this up...

I spent the entire night b/p'ing and watching movies and attempting, for only a few hours, to do some homework. But in the end I was always distracted and didn't get much done. Morning came around and I purged for the last time and then took a shower at 6am. Got back in bed and laid there shivering, trying to warm up. I have made this a habit, getting back into bed. I dry off, slip on some PJs and crawl back into bed with a towel under my head. It's a dangerous thing to do when you are tired as fuck and have to get up soon, however. I mean duh, of course I would fall asleep like that. But I don't learn and I just didn't care so I did it anyway. Laid there until 7:30am. Thought "I really should get up. I need to do some work before I leave for school or Ann [my teacher] will kill me." But I still couldn't bring myself to get up. Then I fell asleep. Was awoken at 9am by Johanna in my room telling me she wasn't going to school [she goes to the same independent study school as I do and we have appointments at the same time on Mondays]. It's twice as hard for me to make myself go when Hanna doesn't go because then I don't really have a reason why I *have* to go, to drive her. Since it was already 9am and I would have to leave fairly soon I decided I was screwed either way whether I did some work that morning or not so I just continued to lay in bed. Fell asleep again. This time I'm woken up by Johanna again, at 10:15am. My appointment, for the record, is at 10:30 and it's 30-45 minutes away. So I'm fucking screwed. Johanna told me she was sorry that she didn't wake me sooner but Lucy [older sister, 21] had said she woke me up. Lucy was over here last night because they all went to an Oscar party [I didn't go, of course] at a family friend's house. Anyway, I have no recollection of her waking me up. Frequently people "wake me" but I am only half awake. I can carry on conversations and even answer math problems in this half-asleep state and later have no memory of what I said or being woken up at all so I guess that is what happened. Anyway Johanna was like "you can still make it! Just call and say there was traffic" But I'm lying there, exhausted, knowing that even if I jump out of bed that minute, fight the dizziness and get myself dressed I am still going to be so late. I would have to get gas on the way because I'm out, so by the time I got there it would be probably 11am at the earliest and my teacher is so mad when I'm even a little late. Because there is another student who has an appointment right after mine. So I just decided to fuck it. When something goes wrong, no matter how little, to change the plan I just can't cope with it and throw in the towel. It's the same "all or nothing" attitude I seem to have about everything.

Feeling sorry for her pathetic sister, Hanna said she would have Lucy call my teacher so I wouldn't have to. I already had planned to skip group tonight so this is really turning out to be a productive day, isn't it? How fucking sad that I only have a few days a week where I have any sort of obligation at all and yet I am still missing appointments and not getting things done. I am so consumed by my eating disorder. I can't deal with this depression. I feel like there is a huge weight holding me down, soffocating me. I can't break free from its grasp; I can't get out from underneath it and get on with my life. I don't see the point of living. I can't think of anything "good" about life. All I can think of is death, violence, pollution, sadness, anger, injustice... is love even real? I'm doubting the existence of love. Maybe I never loved anyone. Maybe I am incapable of loving and thus being loved in return.