Ok so yesterday, my doctor's appointment. It was actually on Tuesday but I overslept. Then I woke up and weighed myself and I had a breakdown. My mom came home from her conferences and found me crying on the kitchen floor. It was obvious I wasn't going to get up and drive myself [plus I would have been late] and she couldn't take me because she had another conference in a little while [She's a teacher and she has parent-teacher conferences this week] so I didn't go. She called the office and made something up about me being stuck on the freeway with car trouble. "Luckilly" for me they had an opening the next day at 4:15. The "breakdown" was because I had apparently gained 10 pounds in only a few days. I knew I was retaining a lot of water but I didn't think I could retain that much. I wanted to kill myself. I was seriously considering just OD'ing on pills right then and driving myself to the Albertson's parking lot. I knew my mom wouldn't be home until at least 5pm and it was 8am at the time. She wouldn't even look for me until probably 7pm... it was a stupid thought. To kill myself just for gaining weight. But that's how desperate I felt...
But instead my mom came home. The appointment was rescheduled. I had to go to therapy that day at 2. And I tried to rationalize that either a) my scale is broken [the same scale I thought was broken before, I hadn't replaced it yet], or b) I am retaining a massive amount of weight. But the whole day I was very depressed and I really had to force myself to go to therapy. I never leave the house when I am feeling that huge. I remember talking to Jennifer on the phone because I couldn't stand going out in public in my current state of "fatness" but I can't imagine having a phone session with Avis because I barely know her. And she never picks up her phone.
So I went to therapy and felt disgusting. It didn't help one bit that this week I realized just how thin Avis is. She didn't look much taller than me, and if she were say 5'5" I do not think she could weigh more than 90 pounds! She had on a thick sweater so I couldn't see her upper body that well but judging on how thin she looked in a thick sweater, plus her scrawny neck and chiseled face, she is definitely very, very thin. Her legs are what really triggered me when I was leaving. She got up to walk me out and I saw her stick legs. She had on these slacks that weren't completely form-fitting. They looked really small and yet she didn't even fill them out. I should not be triggered by my therapist. This is certainly not helpful. If a therapist is really overweight it makes me uncomfortable because I'm constantly worried they will ask "Well if you think you're fat, then you must think I'm REALLY fat huh?" or something like that... but it's just as bad if they are really thin. I don't mean "slim" as in normal-thin. Avis looks downright anorexic. This session was more "history" which is tedious when you have had to repeat it so many times... I am so sick of being asked WHY I got an eating disorder. What triggered it. Lady, I don't fucking know! I have thought and thought and thought about it. It's so many things, it's not just a simple "Well one day, X happened and so I decided I would just go and develop anorexia"! I'm also kind of getting the feeling she doesn't like me... I get the impression she is hoping I decide that I don't want to keep seeing her after the 3 sessions which she decided was the appropriate amount of time for me to choose whether I want to continue or not. I was thinking what the hell, since I can't find another one anyway and I'm running out of options and I know my mom is going to be really frustrated with me if I say I don't like her, but now I'm not so sure... because my doctor wants me to see Deirdre and also I know I'm not going to be able to stop focusing on Avis' thinness. I can't see myself just saying "Hey, you look anorexic. What's up with that?" So instead it will just be this constant thing I'll focus on but not say anything about for fear she'll roll her eyes and tell me that I'm just trying to justify *my* thinness or something. I don't know. I'll write more about this tomorrow.