On another note, *I* am not at all like this sick person I am describing. Do you know what was determined at my doctor's appointment? Not only is my potassium not extremely low [what I'm told will happen when you throw up often - let alone EVERY DAY and EVERYTHING YOU EAT], it's fucking normal! 3.5 to be exact. The normal range is 3.5-5.5... I have never felt so "fake" in my life except for that day I went to Stanford's ED clinic for an evaluation. At that time, it was "I am not a thin enough anorexic, they'll laugh at me." and now it's "God, I thought I had a problem with purging?! Who am I kidding?! I obviously don't have a problem!" because duh, how can a person have a normal potassium level when they throw up multiple times a day, everyday, and keep nothing down? I don't even bother to replenish my potassium level with supplements because by the time I'm through puking I am too tired to remember and just fall into bed or a dizzy stupor. Here I was thinking I would get a wake-up call -- a "you-must-stop-throwing-up-or-you-will-have-a-heart-attack" -- but in all actuality I am fine. The only thing that was off on my labs was the pH of my urine. Big deal. If I were older my kidneys would be failing [accoring to my doctor] but since I am young they are able to handle the additional stress. I'm not even anemic. Although that is probably because my body doesn't lose any iron from having periods which I haven't had since 2000... but still. I probably exhausted the iron supply long ago, or so you would think. I probably appear like one of those people who claims to have an ED and then goes home and gorges themselves -- and doesn't purge. The pathetic part is, I *do* purge. My fucking body is awfully resilient. Too bad right now all I want is to die. I thought if there was something seriously wrong with me it might scare me into stopping. But right now all I'm convinced of is my invincibility. I never felt I got "thin enough" for anorexia and now I can't even call myself bulimic. Even my blood pressure has shot up. Thanks to all the Ephedrine in the Dexatrim my bp is now 91/55. It used to be 60/40. It used to be consistently in the 80s/40s. Now it's normal. Low, sure, but close enough to normal. I don't understand how I can be called "severe" when it's so obvious I'm not. I think you have to have serious medical problems to be considered a "severe" case! Who the hell cares if I'm 74 [yeah, got a new scale... and lost the water], that doesn't mean shit and besides that isn't that low compared to a lot of people. I don't "look" it anyway. I can just see the reaction on Deidre's face when she gets the results from my doctor [I'm sure Deidre will call Dr. Lowen, I signed a release] -- "Well I guess we've got a case of someone faking it for attention then!" because, obviously, my body is proof of that. I don't even want to go to group next week. I guess that isn't a problem since it's cancelled anyway. Deirdre called this morning to say she is going to London for the International Eating Disorders Conference or something like that. It's kind of funny since I was saying recently [jokingly] that there should be like the "UN of EDs" haha. I guess there is already! So no group next week. I guess I won't see Avis either. First of all since I don't need it and second of all since Lowen wants me to see Deidre anyway. Who is going out of town. So I don't have to deal with therapy for a few weeks then. It doesn't matter because I have nothing to talk about at this point. I'll just continue to sleep all day and b/p all night and sink further into depression because there's no point to it all... :(