Getting weighed is the most counter-productive thing to my recovery. It really is. I cannot stand weigh-ins. I always end up taking laxatives or diuretics or both because I feel too bloated and ugly to be seen. Then I inevitably must waterload. It's so stupid. And when I stand on that scale, knowing that I don't really weigh as much as it says since I drank so much, I still feel fat. Even though I know it's fake weight. I vow to weigh less for the next weigh-in. I OD on lax. And end up waterloading more. Pointless, pointless, pointless!

Fuck this. I'm not getting weighed. I refuse. That's what I did the first appointment. Last week though I relented and let the nurse weigh me cause I had eaten 2 pounds of grapes before I left and drank a litre of Diet Coke on the way there. I was so fucking full I thought I would explode. But it added 4 pounds to me so it was worth it. After the weigh in they wanted a urine sample so I took that opportunity to puke up all those grapes. They have a really nice bathroom there. It's big and there is a full-length mirror and there's even another scale in there. I weighed in at 78 and she flipped out. I was offended, actually, since taking my weight history she should have expected me to be there or less. I was thinking "What, you didn't believe me when I said I weighed 70 but had gained since then and was around 75-80?" [what I had told her our first appointment]. I didn't say this but really I was pretty offended that she expected me to weigh more. The first appointment she said I looked about 75 and that's why she wanted to weigh me but now I think she was just lying. Because of her reaction to the 78 pounds. Suddenly she wasn't so "Weight is not the most important thing, we can take weight gain slow..." etc etc. Suddenly it was "I hospitalize people when they are at 75% ideal body weight, and you're less than 68%! You need to gain a pound a week." My mouth dropped open. "A POUND A WEEK!? No fucking way." I didn't bother to censor lol. I was too mad. She said I needed to gain a pound a week until I was at 80% IBW and then I could gain just 1/2 pound a week. I had to keep myself from laughing. I mean really, does she honestly expect me to comply with that? I've been in this weight range for ages so I don't see how she could think I would suddenly just gain weight.

I am so sick of being told weight is not the most important thing. That it's vitals and overall health. Yet all these doctors care about is my weight. Every group session Deirdre asks me if I have lost weight. It seems like that's all they care about.