when life is a numbers game...

:: before :: May 31, 2003 :: after

He caught me! The checker at the grocery store. The one I've written about before [here] ... I always avoid him. I try to go to the store when I think he won't be working, and if he is there I avoid his aisle at all cost. The store is pretty big, it's the biggest one around here anyway, which is why I go to it. I think there's about 10 checkout aisles so it's not that hard to avoid his aisle [though they are not all open usually]. Anyway, today I was at the store and I hadn't seen him. I was relieved, thinking he was not there at the time. Usually he is working in the evenings and nights, and I was there at 2pm so I thought I was safe. Anyway, after doing my shopping and surveying all the checkers, I got in line. I had been waiting about 5 minutes behind this woman and her 2 or 3 year old who kept asking my name. Then, out of nowhere, someone swipes my basket that had been at my feet. I look up [I had been looking at the ground, as usual] and it's HIM! He just takes my basket over to the check stand to the left and says "I'll take you over here"! Normally people just ask... you know, "Would you like me to help you over here?" when they are opening up a new line. I swear this guy just came over from wherever he was and decided to open up that line just so he could check out my groceries instead of someone else. He's out to get me, I swear. Nosy bastard. I really had no choice but to go into his line, since he took my basket and put it on the conveyer belt and started to unpack it! I was mortified. Thankfully I didn't have any laxatives in my basket today. And my purchases weren't all junk food... I also had some lettuce and some strawberries and some yogurts [only cause I got coupons for free yogurt off my Special K boxes, lol]... anyway, I was still embarassed as hell but tried to "act natural" [YEAH RIGHT]. Then, after what seemed like an eternity but was probably 1 minute, after my groceries had been scanned and I had swiped my card and signed, he asked me for the third time if I would like a shopping cart [I only had a basket, I never get a cart, no matter how much food I'm lugging around... don't ask why if you want a rational explanation]. I said, again, 'No thanks, I've got it.' but he wouldn't let up, as usual. 'Do you want me to get someone to help you carry all this?' he stressed 'all this' as if I was buying a huge amount of food. Really, it wasn't even that much! Just that he packed it in such a way that there were several more bags than there needed to be... anyway, as soon as I got my receipt I said no thanks AGAIN and just fucking ran out of there! I was cursing the whole way to the car and was mortified once again when the elevator opened [I had been waiting for it] and there was actually someone in it [there never is] - an old woman. I had been talking to myself OUT LOUD and she must have heard. God, could I embarass myself any MORE today? Nope, don't think that's possible! Uggh. I really hate that guy :(

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So, as you can tell, I b/p'ed today. I have a new plan though. I will allow myself one day on, one day off, for b/p'ing. So today I b/p'ed, but yesterday I didn't. And I won't let myself tomorrow. So far I have not been following the plan exactly [I purged yesterday, for example, but at least it wasn't a binge]. Overall I'm doing pretty good though. Monday & Tuesday I b/p'ed, but then I started the plan on Wednesday and did not b/p. I fasted instead. Thursday I b/p'ed to my little heart's content, but Friday I didn't :) I ate 3 egg whites, scrambled, in the afternoon when I woke up, and then later I ate a half cup [maybe a little less] of brocolli off my sister's plate at dinner [she ate everything else but only ate half her brocolli]. I would have gone the whole day without purging but I messed up when I ate two apples at 1am. Purged that because I didn't want to keep that many cals down. I didn't eat again though, and went to bed a little later at 4am. So technically, I followed the plan since I didn't binge :) Today I got up around 5pm and had a b/p while my mom was at the store. I'm sure I'll eat more later now that my mom is asleep. I have been busy this evening tweaking my diary layout and uploading pix which had me preoccupied. This layout took fucking forever to perfect. That's pretty sad considering how simple it looks! But I was just having lots of trouble with it for some reason. I just suck at HTML/java. Oh well, it was worth it to me because now it looks the way I want it to :) I edited that pic to make it greyscale and added in those boxes. Woopee I am so talented [that's sarcasm] - and it probably only took me 5 hours! *rolling eyes*

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Yesterday was my appointment with Deirdre [therapist] and it went Ok I guess. It seems like each session is the same discussion though -- when will I go to Renfrew, how long am I going to put off longer-term treatment, how much longer do I "think I can last" like this, when am I going to "realize" that I am only making myself more unhappy and that I "deserve" to have a better life, etc. etc. etc. Yes, I know all this... somewhere deep inside I do. But I just can't yet. I am just not ready to go to Renfrew/similar program yet. Right now there are too many things I need to get done. First off, I want to go to Dallas I have decided. Suddenly the issues of food and possibly gaining weight and the anxiety that accompanies that seem worth if for the trip. To see Cameron. I am really excited about it. After therapy I came home and a little while later my mom took me out to Walnut Creek to shop for a dress for the wedding. It was a frustrating excursion for the most part because there were absolutely no small sizes! We went to Macy's because my sisters had been there with my mom the day before [I didn't go -- was being my usual hermit self] and said they had a great selection. Well, in that short time span the place had been really picked over. They had a lot of pretty dresses but they were mostly in size eleven. There were a lot of size nines too, some sevens, and one or two fives. No zeros, no ones. I was near tears after awhile, just because this always happens to me and I was mad that my sisters had both found beautiful dresses and I really wanted to look nice. Then I lucked out and found one dress that was an extra small. I also grabbed a few threes in other styles, just because that was all there was... I thought maybe we could take it in or something. The XS dress didn't even look that great on the hanger and I was thinking it wouldn't be appropriate because it was mostly black. But after trying it on I loved it. It fit really great. It was really small at the top and the top is shaped like a tube top except there are thin straps to hold it up. It's a black and white pinstrip pattern. Very thin stripes, it is not as garish as I'm making it sound! I will have to get a pic on here to show it off ;) It has a little rose made out of the same material that is fastened on the left side at the top of the dress. The skirt hangs pretty flat, but it twirls out when you spin. A perfect dancing dress :) It hits just past my knee I think. Then I got some new shoes. They are black with two straps near my toes, one thicker than the other and the thicker one has black sparkles on it. Then they have an ankle strap at the top. They are at least three inches, maybe four. I need all the height I can get! Cameron is probably six feet tall by now. The last time I saw him I think he was five-eleven. I am probably the only girl alive who doesn't like guys to be that tall. Only cause it makes me feel so much shorter! I wish he was like five-nine but oh well. He's still sexy ;) I'm really excited now that I've got my dress, and shoes, and just hope I don't look like shit. I am hoping that purging less will result in slightly less puffiness. I can't do anything about my hair though... I think I'll have to wear it up so that it's not obvious how dry and dull it is.

On the way to Walnut Creek I had a short conversation [*gasp*] with my mom.

Her: "Have you thought any more about Renfrew?" [I have told her repeatedly that I am not going, since we had the fight about moving]

I told her that Deirdre and I had talked about that today, and how I decided to go to Dallas and the ranch and Canada [if we get to go, it's still up in the air], and that I need to finish up school first, and that I would think about going in late August or September, if I was done with school by then. I don't think I'm going to graduate on time, so we talked about that too. My mom kept saying that I could finish in time, and that she could "help" [an offer she has said many times but never actually follows through on] with my work, etc. I think I finally got it through her head though that I will not finish on time, certainly not by June 17th which is when the graduation ceremony is. I don't really care about going to the stupid ceremony. In a way I do, but mostly I don't because I don't know these people anyway. The students graduating, that is. And I know I won't get much done this summer... so I'll just have to not graduate on time. Who cares? I'll get a diploma either way. Yes, I'm letting this go. I think it's a healthy move on my part.

Doctor's appointment on Monday. I haven't been in so long. Not since before I went to the hospital. Uggh, it means more "You need to go to residential" lectures, and more "You need to gain weight!" blah blah blah. I'll tell you one thing though -- she is NOT weighing me!!