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Monday I went to group for the first time in ages. I�m not sure how long it had been... but a while. I haven�t been there since the hospital and even before that. Caitlin, Mallory, 14-year-old-bulimic-girl [I can never remember her name] and the new girl Jill were there. Deirdre had been telling me everyone always asked about me and if I was ok but I am skeptical. I still think Caitlin hates me. She sure acts like it. Anyway... Jill is new and she�s 14. She just got back from the Center for Change and she�s recovering from anorexia. She was really quiet, but she seems nice. It was a boring meeting compared to usual. Whenever Deirdre has some kind of written material or �plan� for the group [well, she always has some kind of plan I suppose, but I mean when she really has something planned out that she wants us to discuss] it�s always a little boring, but we usually succeed in going off topic ;) At one point, mosquitos were brought up cause Mallory was itching a bite and that got us started on how evil mosquitos are, and I was saying how they like seek me out no matter where I am or what time of year. For instance, in the winter when mosquitos are supposed to be nowhere in sight because of the cold, that one lone misquito struggling for survival will hunt me down and bite me several times! I swear. Caitlin says �Maybe you have fleas.�! Gee, thanks. That�s just the kind of thing she says. Yes, I know it�s a �joke� and she�s being sarcastic � but I kind of think that�s just how she gets away with insulting me without technically insulting me. Like she can�t just say �I don�t like you� in front of everyone, so she does it this way instead. Because, though she is just a sarcastic person, the remarks she make do not actually insult anyone, except the ones she makes towards me that is :( I don�t know, it just bothers me. But everyone else is nice. Oh, and I�m so excited because another TF�er is probably joining the group!! I told her about it awhile ago and I�m so happy she�s going to join cause we could use another new face and someone who is not 99% recovered, then I won�t feel so alone.
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Oops... kinda abandoned this entry. Now it�s 3am. I left because it was 11:30 and the store closes at midnight so I had to hurry. Oh my god, I just spent a fortune at Long�s [drugstore but they also sell food, snacks, and everything under the sun]. They had a sale on Luna bars which are normally about $1.50 and they were 99 cents instead. So I bought a ton. They are still so expensive tho... I need to stop eating them. But the other thing I went hog wild on were the White Chocolate Reeses. I can never find them anywhere except this one 7-11 that never restocks and not only did I find this tonight at Long�s, but they were on *SALE* for 3/$1.00! I was so happy I bought every last one they had. Don�t remember how many... lol. Some other candy was also on a 3/$1.00 sale so I bought a bunch. Oh, and Dreamery ice cream was on sale for $1.99/pint, vs. $3.69, so I also bought way too much ice cream [I only buy it when it�s way on sale so I kind of lost control there, hehe]! A box of Nutty bars [Andria made me want to try them], some cereal and milk, and I was all set. There was this creepy guy at the checkout though, who I had seen earlier in the store staring at me, who kept looking back at me [he was 3 people ahead of me in line]. I was really expecting him to like linger around the store afterwards and try to abduct me. Yes, I overreact to things like this. I�m paranoid, what else can I tell you? But the way he was looking at me... it was really in a �sexual predator� type of way. Fucking scary. Then, finally he left and I was one person away in line and this other guy in front of me kept staring into my basket. I hate nosy people!! I swear, he rolled his eyes. I�m not standing there rudely staring at his condoms so it would be nice if he could mind his own business as well! The checkout lady was one I usually try to avoid tonight, but she was the only one open unfortunately. Instead of taking one Luna bar and scanning it and then punching in �times X� like you can do, to save time, she scanned them all one at a time, very slowly. Maximizing the embarassment at how many I had because by that point there were a bunch of guys behind me, probably around age 20. She did the same thing with the Reeses, which I had a TON of [like I said, 3/$1.00!! I couldn�t resist!], and the other candy, and the ice cream... uggh.
So you can guess what I�ve been doing in this lapse of time. I�m so tired now though... I should really go to bed. I sort of don�t want to though because I�m supposed to go get my eyebrow pierced tomorrow with Mia! And I�m afraid I might not wake up until like 5pm again if I go to bed now... maybe I should just pop a Stacker 3 and stay up all night again. But wow... those pills are really strong. The most you�re supposed to have in 24 hours is 3, and I think that�s about the same as Dexatrim... but all I know is that I can take 6-8 Dexatrim in a day and I don�t feel nearly as fucked up as I do with 3 Stackers a day. Actually I have yet to take more than 2 in a day and I feel really crappy with that few of them. Oh well I guess it means they are �working�... but oh, about my eyebrow. So I have been deciding between getting my tongue or eyebrow pierced for a few years and I think I�m going to do the eyebrow. I�ve had a lot of friends in the past say they think it would look good on me, so I hope they�re right. I wanted to get it before Dallas and in enough time that it was healed in case it got infected or something. Does anyone that reads this thing have an eyebrow pierce? Does it get infected easily? Will it swell at all? I�m concerned cause I am trying to look GOOD for this trip hehe. Speaking of which, I am really torn about gaining weight. Besides of course my therapist and doctor [and mom... though I do not believe she really cares] telling me I need to, I�m not feeling like I should gain a little to look better in Dallas. The thing is, to look �better� in my dress, to me, means lose weight... but I know that logically I will look worse to everyone else that way. And if I want to look even remotely attractive to Cameron I should put on weight, not lose it. But it�s so hard... to tell myself it�s ok. Because I have put on a little I think that my thighs feel gigantic already. And I know the weight won�t go to my arms yet, and that is the part of me that will be showing the most I think, because my thighs are covered by the dress. So it�s mostly going to be my upper body that is most visible and I know that�s the thinnest part of me... but gaining a little weight won�t add anything to up top so I kind of think well then what�s the point? I don�t know. I just don�t want the weight making me bloated because that will definitely show with this dress and that�s the last thing I want. I had in mind to be 77 when I left because then if I gain 2 pounds in Dallas [I don�t plan on trying, but just in case I somehow gain on 400-500 cals/day cause for me, that is likely] I would still be under 80 when I got back. 77 sounds low to me, it does, but it�s how I look at 77 that bothers me. I�m not sure where I am right now. I am thinking I will drink some Boost. Because I know if I try to get in 300 extra ccalories that I don�t puke, I will end up just puking them, or turning it into a binge, while I will purge. But I think I can handle 8oz of Boost. We�ll see I guess. The last time I weighed myself I was 73 but that was like 6 days ago. I�ve been avoiding the scale because if I�m going to gain weight at all, I really need to step on that thing as little as possible or I�ll end up with another huge laxative OD like the last... don�t want to repeat that again.
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The other things I had to do on Monday were school and a doctor�s appointment. Yeah, it was a long day! I hadn�t slept the night before and instead had been up b/p�ing most of the time, then I took Stackers so I was really feeling like shit and desperately wanted to sleep. I was so relieved that my mom was able to drive me to school because I didn�t think I could drive. I guess in the time since I had last been to see my teacher [an embarassinlg long absence] she had come to terms with my lack of ability to finish all my work by June 17, so when I told her I was going to need the summer, and maybe into September too, she just said ok. I told her how I wasn�t moving and she knew I had really wanted that so maybe that was part of the reason she didn�t bug me about it. I looked like I was about to cry when I told her about that [not moving] - and I was - so maybe for once she had some emotion and felt sorry for me. I had to take a standardized test though, and that sucked. I�m not supposed to have to fucking take that!! The �exit exams� imposed by the state now are not supposed to start until the class behind me � the graduates of 2004. But the school district my school is in has their own rules apparently, and unlike my old high school, this school requires the class of 2003 to also take an exit exam, though it�s a different one I think. Anyway, I had to take 3 parts: reading comprehension, vocab, and math. It was easy to pass though, because I think you only need to get something like 60 or 70% correct. About two hours later I left and got home around 12:15pm and then just killed some time before I had to leave for my doctor�s appointment. It was annoying as hell because my school is as far away as my doctor�s, and I had to drive out that far twice in one day. Then I had to drive out to Concord that evening for group, which is even farther. I don�t mind making the drives once in a day but 3 times?! Mondays SUCK for me. At the doctor�s she once again tried to get me on the scale but I just couldn�t do it. I was too afraid I had gained and can�t handle the embarassment. I realized later that I was being silly because even if I had gained I would not be more than 75 and the last time I weighed at her office was 76 [I waterloaded] so she wouldn�t even have thought I gained... oh well. I told her I was probably 80 so she didn�t need to weigh me but she said I looked like I had lost �several pounds� since the 76 weigh in a long while ago, before the hospital. Yeah right. I never look like I lost anything, I just stay the same. Sigh. Oh, there was a new nurse who took my vitals. She didn�t say she was new but I could tell right away. It was so funny, she just could not take my blood pressure. First she put on the cuff, the adult one that is too big, and didn�t even tighten it so it wouldn�t give a reading. Then she left to find the child�s cuff but even then she didn�t tighten it enough so it slid off when I stood up. I felt sorry for her because she was obviously embarassed. She didn�t need to be though, I mean what do I care? LOL. She also was going to take my weight and height. Height? Since when do they take your height every week unless you are like a growing teenager or something? But I just told her I wasn�t getting weighed this week and she looked worried and said quietly �Well I am going to have to tell Dr. Lowen that... I�m sorry.� LOL, I guess she thought I would get in trouble for that or something. I told Dr. Lowen I was purging less, which I actually am since I made that new plan [see previous entry] but my urine pH was actually higher [indicating purging] so that lie didn�t really go off well! She said my pH was 9 but I don�t know what normal is. So I asked her what is normal and she said around 5 and I asked her what is the highest it can go to and she said she had never had a patient with more than 8 or 8.5. That didn�t really answer my question though. I don�t see why it matters if my pH is too high, so it�s hard for me to worry about something I don�t even know the consequence to... especially since my pH has never been less than 6 since I started seeing her, usually it�s 8, and nothing has happened as a result. Hmm. But she was really stressing the Boost and I�m actually going to try, for reasons stated above. That should make her happy. I feel guilty being a constant dissapointment because she is so nice to not have cancelled me as a patient like the other doctors. She�s very patient with me, obviously, and I guess that can�t be easy.
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Tuesday I did absolutely nothing. I really can�t remember anything from that day at all. Pretty sad. I guess I must have spent most of it in bed or something. This evening my older sister Lucy came over and I found out she quit her job. She said her manager was an asshole, and I know he is, but I think she should have gone to her boss over the misunderstanding with her manager before just quitting... she also succeeded in bringing me down when I told her about what I was getting Chuck [her boyfriend] for his birthday [it was a few days ago]. It�s a glass chess set, the same one they used in the recent X-men movie [he�s a huge fan], and she just said �We already have one.� and I asked if she had this exact set and she just said �No, but we have a chess set. Remember I bought him that game table last year.� but that is not the same thing... I mean, this is just a chess set, and not just any chess set, but a really specific one that I think he would like. It�s mostly for display, anyway. It just hurt my feelings because I put a lot of thought into it and was really excited that I had a present I thought he would love, especially since I think he doesn�t like me very much [not hard to understand why...] so I wanted to get him a good present. And what�s annoying is Lucy just doesn�t get it. I was obviously upset about what she said and then she just acts like she never said anything rude at all. I�m also mad that she isn�t paying for her ticket to Dallas. My mom was just expecting her to pay for some of it which I think is more than fair seeing as she has [well, had until today] a full-time job and I know that her rent cannot possibly take her full pay check, since she also lives with her bf and he has a well-paying job. But when I brought that up the other day Lucy acted all shocked, saying �What?! Mom didn�t say I had to pay for it!� whining like a little baby. She�s 21 for christ sakes! And she still comes over often with a huge amount of laundry to do. She�ll tie up the washer all day long and the last time she was over doing laundry she left us with no more detergent so I had to go out and buy some so I could do my laundry. She has a washer at her apartment complex so I don�t see why she can�t just do it there. I guess I�m just in a bad mood over the chess set. And now my head really hurts. So I think I�m going to go lie down.