Today I think I did the most rebellious, impulsive thing I've ever done. Although it kind of was a planned impulse... it was still impulsive and not at all like myself. I'm kind of in shock still that I actually pulled it off. Right now I am feeling so depressed, scared and confused. Did I make the wrong decision? Maybe I don't want to think about that... after alll it's pretty obvious I did.

Today I discharged myself from Rogers. For a while I had had Friday, October 24th in mind as my discharge date I would leave. That would be the Friday before the Monday that my insurance ran out, and I figured why stay through the weekend when there is no programming whatsoever and it's just endless boredom? So Friday, I had decided, would be my absolute last day (I've been wanting to leave since I got here and have been doing a "Just stay one more week"/"Please don't make me" tug of war with my mom). I had almost convinced my mom to agree to this but then, like many times recently, she changed her mind at the last minute that no, I could not come home, unless she talked to a "professional" who said that was the best idea. Yeah, like that would happen! That did not go as planned (I thought my therapist Deirdre would support me) since Deirdre didn't want me to leave... and if I did leave she wanted me to go somewhere else to do residential again. So she set up all these rules I would have to follow if I wanted to come home (in addition to all the other rules my mom had already made -- like no eating in my room, for example). I know she made the rules with the thought that I couldn't possibly follow them all so thus would be forced to go into another residential (the "consequence" and I would have to sign a contract saying I would do this if I broke the rules, in order to come home). Where the money would come from for THAT, I don't know (???). I was expected to gain 2 pounds/week every week (to what weight? I was too scared to even ask) plus other stuff (food monitoring, watching me after eating, only eating in the kitchen or dining room, eating foods not cooked by me only, keeping vitals and blood work stable, no purging at all).

Obviously, this is absurd and I could not agree to it (2 pounds/week on an OP basis?! In addition to having been at Rogers nearly a month and gaining there, too?!). So fucking desperate to leave/go home was I that I said I would do 1/2 pound a week plus the other rules but she wouldn't agree to it (Dierdre, that is, who is basically controlling my mom's deicisions at this point). Earlier that day I had already informed Dr. Ted & co that I was leaving this week, probably Friday. Because I really thought I was. As of Sunday my mom had been looking into flights for Friday (or so she claimed... could easily have been another lie she told me on the phone to appease me, with no intention of following through). Anyway, that left me at Monday night, discouraged, depressed (did I mention Weltzin cut off my 225mg Effexor COLD TURKEY?!), and terrified as hell that I would be left at Togers another 2 months. I had to get out... so I decided I would. I was 19 after all so what was stopping me besides not having a place to go? I had threatened to my mom before that I would leave and move out (stay with a former hospital patient) if she wouldn't let me come home... she so DID have a warning there. I'm sure she never thought I would do it though.

I was half-hearted when I said that to her because I was really homesick but in the end I wanted out and the fear of having to give up my ED completely scared me enough that I was willing to just leave and go stay with a relative stranger just to keep it. Holy fuck, I am sick. So now here I am in Madison, WI, about an hour from Oconomowoc (where I was at Rogers' EDC). Megan (who discharged herself a few weeks ago, as there was no more money left to pay) picked me up today after lunch. She and Martha had bother offered me a place to stay before when we were all residents together (Martha is also out now, as of 5 days ago) when I told them how my mom wasn't letting me come home. So I took Megan up on the offer because she was the one of the two who was close enough to drive to come get me, as Martha lives in MN.

Today was fun... in a sick way of course. I got to go to my first Chinese buffet and I was truly in heaven. I got all the candy I had been craving at Rogers, too (gummi worms, sour skittles, mamba). As soon as I was out I puked at Walgreens and bought candy. Obviously, I have not made much headway in kicking this :er: We also went to look around at a great outlet mall but I didn't buy anything cause I am so broke and had to save what money I did have for food.

The reality of the situation is hitting me now. After the euphoria of being "free" and b/p'ing has worn off. I am basically alone in the world, or so it feels. I have friends who will offer me a place to stay, but I have no home it feels. Megan is so sweet, but she is so ill... we both are, and of course are not helping one another by b/p'ing together. She is flat broke after having to pay for Rogers (had to sell her house even, and now lives in an apartment her daugher is paying for). and I have already spent so much today mostly in credit. I had nearly $100 stolen from me at Rogers so I had hardly any cash to begin with. After 2 buffet dinners my cash is now $29. That is all I have plus a credit card of my mom's so obviously she will get the bill. I am digging myself into the same hole I was before Rogers... just in a new location. How can I say no to Megan when she wants something (her dinner cost, somethings at the store, face lotion, vitamins, Ensure [which she desperately needs]), after all, she really has no money. And she went to get me from Rogers, so I owe her.

I need to get out of here, though I love and care for Megan. But I have no where to go. Except Martha's, but that requires a train ticket which is more money. Plus how do I tell Megan? "Sorry, I'd rather live with Martha"?! And I don't know that it would be better. Martha is anorexic and an alcoholic. She's relapsed already to drinking. I only thought it might be better for me health-wise bedause she has such a supportive family (unlike Megan whose daughter is a total witch) and at least I wouldn't be throwing up as much because she doesn't purge and really gets mad at me when I do (at the hospital she would try to stop me many times). I don't know what to do. I love both Megan and Martha so much but we are all too sick and I know this is not good for me.

The lie I told the treatment team and the patients (except Caroline who is Mizzou_Runner at TF, and Bethany who is wallflower) is that I was flying home that Wednesday evening and Megan was just taking me to the airport. And that I was going home to gain 2 pounds/week with my OP team. They don't know where I am... or that my mom has no clue I'm not at Rogers. I am so scared to tell her. I'm even more scared, though, of my dad. I called Mom tonight but didn't tell her. After she said for the millionth time "Everyone I have talked to keeps telling me the same thing; that if you leave now your chance of relapse is so high, so I think you need to stay" I couldn't bear to tell her what I had done. So she still thinks I am there at Rogers.