i just woke up. it's early! lol, 12:30. it's because i fell into bed so early last night. after puking i was sitting at the kitchen table attempting to do some homework. that was about 11pm.i ended up putting my head down on the book and sleeping. i woke up with an indentation from the table on my chest. now i have a lovely purple bruise there. anyway i decided i wasn't getting anything done soi might as well go to bed. but then of course, when i did crawl into bed at midnight i couldn't sleep! i had just slept sitting up with the table digging into my chest, yet i couldn't sleep in my comfortable bed. how typical. i had the shakiness by that point. i think it's low blood sugar. my whoel body trembles and i can't walk because my legs turn to jelly. usually i just lie down at that point and wait for it to pass. so as i'm laying there shaking and wishing i could go to sleep i hear my cat cheza outside my window. she is making pathetic meows and i realize it's raining so i draw myself upstairs to let her in. i literally crawled up the two flights of stairs. my little baby was all wet, she looked like a rat or something. she always insists on going outside when i know it's about to rain. sometimes even when it IS raining she wants to be let out!
on monday night i went to group therapy. i swear, it is now "remuda ranch recruitment" or something. there are 3 girls who have all been and it's all they talk about. this one girl in particular is really bugging me. she is a perfect example of a remuda ranch girl because she went there not very religious and came back like a born again christian who has been "saved" from her ED by god. i don't give a shit if people want to be religious. if you want to believe in that sort of thing i could care less i just don't want you going on and on about god to me. do i say "i'm an atheist. there is no god. god is a myth. your religion is pathetic"? no, so could you show me the same courtesy? blah. i was saying that i didn't think remuda would be the right place for me because i wasn't religious and she was saying that it's not forced there. i asked "oh so you don't actually have to go to church?" and she said that yes, you do. LOL! so ok it's not "forced" yet you are forced to attend church services. mmmmmmm k. so i said, again, then i don't think it would be the right place for me [gosh will you stop trying to convert me to remuda-ism?!]. she says that it's all about "accepting god as your savior and putting your recovery in his hands" at this point i was about to gag and luckilly deidre [therapist] changed the subject. the girl i'm talking about, by the way, is caitlin.
the other 2 remuda girls are cara, who has been 3 times, and uh... the new girl. i forget her name. she just got back from remuda so she joined the group the week before last [i missed that week]. but i'm liking dani more and more. she seems really cool. i feel so out of place there... i feel guilty that i'm still thin when most of these girls are just out of residential and so they aren't thin anymore, or they never were to begin with [caitlin, lara, laura]. i feel constantly like i need to apologize that i'm not recovered yet. but dani isn't either so i feel like i relate to her better. she still wants to lose weight.
dr. lowen's office finally called us to say that dr. lowen would indeed see me. my mom was too busy to take me on friday however, so now my appointment is march 12. i wouldn't be going except dani sees mary [dr. lowen] and she likes her. she told me all about her and she seems like someone i could tolerate. for instance, if you're really unstable, enough so to need the hospital [and her guidelines for stability are much more loose than stanford's], she will only do a medical admit. so like for potassium, she will just have you admitted for a few days until your potassium is better. and she never tries to admit you for low weight. i asked deidre what if the person is 60-something pounds and she said that if they are still medically stable then she won't try to do anything. cool. of course i am not 60-something. i was just asking. i did lose some weight though. i couldn't figure out how i was 71 but then i realized i had been bingeing a little less. mainly because i had been sleeping more.
monday night was also the "perfect illusions" documentary. i mentioned it at therapy, since it was playing that night, and no one had heard about it! not even the therapist. weird. i watched it and it was ok [definitely better than HUNGER POINT!]. i didn't like the voice that read anna westin's diary. both the bulimic girls seemed so sweet. i could relate a lot to them. especially how the blonde one [annie? i forget her name] was saying she couldn't tell her mom that she wasn't doing good. i feel like that too. i can't admit i'm not ok.
i went to barnes and noble on tuesday with the intention of buying "slim to none" but couldn't find it :( instead i bought a fat-free/lowfat cookbook that was way on sale and this book about london mysteries that looks really creepy. my mom then asked me if i had seen the trcey gold book. she has never mentioned an ED book so i just froze and didn't know what to say. i didn't want her to buy it because then she woudl read it, but i wanted the book so i let her buy it. i didn't know it was out yet. i read it that night. it was ok... tracey gold is definitely not an author though!! it lacked the gripping tone that wasted had. oh speaking of "wasted" -- caitlin hated it! that right there says a lot about her LOL. i think she's the only girl with an ED i have ever known to not like it. the "karen carptenter story" movie came in the mail yesterday, as well as the people magazine that featured her on the cover. it was the one that was an interview with her brother all about her illness and death. it's a short article unfortunately. i got those two things off ebay. i was talking to kristina and we were listing all the ed books/movies we have and realized that together we have a huge collection. i can't wait to move. i have to move. it will be so awesome living near kris and cameron. if it happens it won't be before the end of the summer probably. i'm going to dallas in june though for brooke's [cameron's sister] wedding. so i'll get to hang out with kris then. she's out of partial now. doing better than she has for years. she's up to 110 and this time it's real weight. i'm so happy because i worry about her all the time. her body has been through so much.
i did the more stupid thing yesterday. i was vacuuming my disgusting floor and i got the "brilliant" idea to just vacuum my keyboard. i'm always blowing on it to try to get all the crumbs out but that doesn't do much good. so i took the little attachment used for crevices on the vacuum and held it over the keyboard. well, it worked great at first... but then it sucked up the "F" key! shit! so i had to open up the bag and go through all the dust and dirt and food particles to find it. it was disgusting. i also did something really stupid on tuesday night. i told my mom i was going to order japanese. i was excited because i really wanted tempura and i saw on their menu they also had ONION RINGS [funny to see that next to sushi and steamed vegetables and soba noodles, all healthy] so i was just going to say i'm ordering my soba noodles but i also ordered tempura and onion rings. so i leave to go pick it up, stop off at 7-11 on the way and pick up some more junk food. i get to ta-ke sushi and there's nowhere to park closeby and since this was downtown oakland and it was 9pm at this point i didn't really want to walk 3 blocks alone. so i pulled across the street into a red zone. i was half in the zone and half not, but i knew i was only running in there for 5 minutes, tops. so in my haste i jump out of the car, lock it, and run in. only after i have paid for my food and i'm walking out do i realize something is missing. in one hand, my wallet, in the other, my take out bags. then it hits me: my keys. they are not in my hand. i check my pocket. nope. then i go back to the counter to see if i left them. not there. i run back to my car and realize that i am the biggest idiot in the world and left them right there in the ignition. there's not a pay phone in sight so i have to walk back into ta-ke and ask to use the phone. i lie and say my car won't start [like i'm really going to admit how big an IDIOT i am?!]. i call my mom and say the same thing. i say "i don't want to say the real reason" and she gueses right away LOL. so she says she'll be right there. well, this place is only 5 minutes away so i figure i won't be waiting long. but 20 minutes passes and i'm still standing outside in the freezing cold. i ate all the onion rings while i was waiting because i didn't want my mom to see them. finally my mom gets there and she doesn't have a spare key to my car because somehow it was misplaced. so we have to leave my car there, in the red zone. what a fiasco. luckilly i find the spare key the next morning so we don't have to call AAA. i really lucked out cause when my mom drove me back to my car that morning, not only had it not been towed but i didn't even get a ticket! i'm never lucky so that was awesome. well that has been my week pretty much. boring i know. i have to go pick my sister up. shit i'm not even dressed. oh well.