why is this so hard? it's gotten harder for me to write online diaries because i know how boring my life is and i wonder why anyone would want to read about it. i'm not a writer. i don't have anything profound to share with the world.

oh well.

went to group on monday. i'm not liking it that much now... caitlin is really getting on my nerves. she is the [practically fully recovered] bulimic who went to remuda ranch and is now very religious. very preachy. i think she hates me. each week i have talked less and less now, mainly because i'm afraid of what she'll say. i wish she would just leave the group. she obviously thinks she is better than all of us so i don't know why she's even there. she is like your classic something-fishy chick. all she ever does is talk about how great remuda is, or her church. her weekly goals are always something to do with religion. usually a vague sentence such as "focus on god" or "put god before my eating disorder" and she puts down anyone who doesn't agree with her. the session before last danielle was debating going to remuda and saying that she didn't think now was a good time because she was finally making friends and settling into her new school [she just moved here from ohio] and to leave now she would then have to come back and adjust all over again. cailin says, in this really bitchy "you don't want recovery" type of voice, "but your friends don't like YOU, they don't even know you, they are just getting to know your eating disorder" like, wtf? she must be sent here from remuda as a secret recruiter, spewing their recovery-isms. i am so sick of it. and i'm sick of censoring myself. i feel like deidre is one of very few therapists that i could be honest with and expose how i really feel - which is that i am not completely ready to give up this eating disorder - yet i can't talk about any of this because i'm afraid of the group response. last week i was responding to the topic we were discussing -- how friends and family members constantly talk about dieting around us [us as in the group members], and i was telling about this one time where my stepmom told me how she went a week on just salad while at some christian retreat, and how she was saying that "i got so weak by the end that i gave in and had a SCRAMBLED EGG, [she was on a vegan diet], but other than that it was just salads" and the girl next to me actually [i]covered her ears[/i]! ok, if you can't handle hearing me talk about my stepmom's diet than what the hell can i possibly say that wouldn't "trigger" you?! and how come she didn't cover her ears when caitlin was talking about her friends' diets? oh, and said-girl [i forget her name] also goes to school with caitlin and so now they're all buddy-buddy in their christian remuda click, along with cara. though she wasn't there last week. i can also tell that caitlin really dislikes laura. laura is the one who won't eat fruits and vegetables, and who is going blind as a result. i feel really badly for her, because i can tell she is very depressed. and hates her school and doesn't have many friends. and caitlin just looks at her and sees a "freak" because she's not a blonde, anorexic prep or something [she has black hair w/ purple streaks, dresses it mostly black, and is fairly chubby]. whenever deidre asks laura something, and she is answering, you can just see the impatience written all over caitlin's face. i can tell she's suppressing the urge to say "oh just shut up already" if you know what i mean... and lara [not to be confused with laura! lol] is just... so young. she's 14 and really acts like it. she is very smiley. i'm always wondering why she always has that grin on her face. WHAT IS SO FUNNY?! she must be one of those people who laugh at uncomfortable situations. i mean, here she is talking about our country's current political situation and how she feels threatened as a jew, and all the while she looks like she's about to burst out laughing...